MISSIOPHONICS

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Friday, February 25, 2005

On Ontological Angst for the Quest of Reason

By Glenn Plastina

More often, the question is far more important than the answers. The question on existence can be a haunting experience for anybody, especially those who are afraid to take the courage of facing the answer if ever they fail to meet idealistic expectations. Perhaps, there is nothing more disappointing than to find out that one’s chosen path, after all, proved to be a wrong track. Personally, I have been reared and often forced to be reasonable and not just accept any stance without prior investigation whether a position on something can really stand the test of tension with other standpoint, especially the opposite conviction, reasoning, or assumption. People I know who are dearer to me often tested my reasoning in almost everything—values, convictions, doctrinal bearing, etc. These I learned while still a kid. But the most fearsome thing I ever faced in my earlier years was to stand and be tested with the realities around me, and most of all, inside of me. It is easy to settle things outside, but often the disquieting things to order are those that pertain inside of my being. Who am I? Why am I here? What is the reason for this existence? Where am I heading to?
Raised as a hardcore fundamentalist, doubt is a serious matter—perceived as mother of all evil. To doubt God and the fundamental doctrines is almost as serious as eternal sin. I let other define me. But somehow, the realities outside proved to be a serious quest also. There were times that I was thinking; perhaps God is not at all powerful for he was not able to take full control every evil things happening around and inside me. Perhaps God is not what I thought about after all. Deep inside, the most haunting question has something to do with my being. “Lord, what have I become?” I was afraid. Is certainty, indeed, a myth? When all I cherished to be true seems to be other wise. This is after all a disappointment—like hitting at the wind.
No matter how hard I tried to settle everything by reason, it seems that the best I can was still not good enough. I have been an avid learner and I love to really learn. But it took courage to realize that the more I know, the more I realize that I know a little. There are things that pertain to faith as well as reason, but I don’t need to reason out everything. With meager knowledge of what is outside is often less important than knowing who am I and why do I exist. It takes courage to be and faith to become.

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